I was on a mission. I was taking back my life back. No longer paralyzed. Releasing myself from the shackles and chains that had taken hold of me. I was going to take charge and create the life I wanted and deserved! I was going to find myself, remember the woman I was and explore my interests. The perfectionist in me was excited, I was ALL IN.
My Perfect Life
So, I was off…it looked and sounded something like this:
- We’re going to grow our own fruits and vegetables!
- I’m going to learn to play the ukulele!
- We will eliminate plastic from our home!
- I will be a wellness goddess!
- We’re going vegan!
- I’m going to read one book a week!
- We will start composting!
- I’m going to learn Italian!
Can your guess how any of those endeavors went?
Every single one was an epic fail.
Why did each one fail miserably? The answer is two-fold really: Firstly, I failed to recognize that I was absolutely exhausted and didn’t have the time nor energy required to actively engage or succeed in any of those pursuits. Secondly, because I went all in. I expected everything to eventuate to plan and happen immediately. I expected perfection.
According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, the definition of perfection is:
- the freedom from fault or defect: flawlessness
- an exemplification of extreme excellence
Synonyms of perfection: superb, exquisite, faultless, consummate, quintessential, model, ideal, exemplary, ultimate
Can you relate? Are you a perfectionist?
- Do you have a desire to be a consummate mother?
- An exemplary employee?
- The ultimate cook?
- To have the quintessential home with an exquisitely clean toilet?
Antonyms of perfect: bad, imperfect, flawed, deficient
Clearly, no one wants to be bad, flawed or deficient, so of course we strive to be perfect. Recent research on perfectionism has shown that women tend to be more perfectionists than men which results in higher levels of corresponding stress. Perhaps this is driven to some degree by society and social media. It is worth noting that there is a Greek goddess of perfection named Teles, but no male equivalent.
Social Media is the Mothership for Perfectionists
Using social media as a barometer, clearly all the working moms out there are perfect, as evidenced by their selfies, baking extravaganzas with their children and trips to the park in their spare time. Let’s face it, we all know spare time doesn’t actually exist, and any kind of cooking with children in the kitchen is an absolute disaster right? But what a beautiful illusion of perfection…because we all know that life is always rainbows and butterflies…
For the majority of my life I strove to be perfect, it was the penultimate. I wanted to be the best at my job, to please others, to have the nicest home and the most perfectly wrapped Christmas presents. In a job interview I would state “I have high expectations of myself” as one of my strengths. Now I know that means that nothing I did was actually ever good enough, and I was essentially setting myself up to fail. For what I believed to be a strength was in fact, my downfall; I was unknowingly my own worst critic.
What does is actually mean to be a perfectionist?
“I am a perfectionist” is something we hear women say regularly and it is usually said with pride (I know I did). People self-describe themselves as a perfectionist and we can certainly recognize it in others. We all know what it means to be perfect or imperfect, but what does it actually mean to be a perfectionist?
- Holding yourself to unrealistic standards
- Being extremely critical of your results
- Feeling shame associated with your perceived outcome
Ironically, while aspiring to perfection seems an empirically good intention, it is in fact extraordinarily detrimental to an individual. It can be the inhibitor that keeps us from achieving our goals! Endless procrastination due to a fear of failure results in the incompletion of projects and life goals. Does any of this sound familiar?
The amazing Brene Brown, self-described researcher of shame, courage and vulnerability has this to say about perfection:
Perfection is a twenty ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.
Brene Brown
Ends Up Imperfection is Pretty Awesome
Did I take flight in my endeavors to create the perfect life? Not exactly, but when I took my foot off the pedal and stopped expecting perfection, I started to stretch my wings. Little by little, step by step, my life started to change. One step at a time.
- We installed two raised beds and planted them full of beautiful fruits and vegetables. Most everything was eaten by slugs and pests, except the chocolate mint which we used for summer drinks and put on top of our ice cream.
- Therefore, my compost pail sits under the kitchen sink empty of compost, and is now houses my coffee pods before they go off to recycling.
- We’re not vegan but taking steps daily to be whole food plant based and it just feels good.
- We are not plastic free, but certainly use a lot less in our house, thanks to Beeswax wrappers, glass jars and naked lunches.
- I read maybe three to four books a year but have not learned to play the ukulele or speak Italian. However, I know there’s still time, as I firmly believe you are never too old, and it is never too late.
- As for wellness goddess, well…that’s a work in progress.
Real change, enduring change, happens one step at a time.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Please comment below and share your thoughts with this community of female peers and like minded women! Forward to a friend or woman you believe would find value in these words…Together we are stronger.
